by Barbara J Hopkinson
  
Why should you be grateful after suffering the traumatic loss of a loved one?  What is there to be grateful for?  You feel awful!
 
It’s difficult to find anything to be grateful for after losing someone close, certainly after the loss of a child, grandchild, sibling, parent, partner, or even a very close friend before their time.  It’s not fair.
 
All true, but finding a way to be grateful will help you heal. Finding a way to keep positive will help you feel better, and being grateful is a great way to do that.  Also, wouldn’t your loved one want you to be grateful for the time you had with them?  To focus on that more than the pain their loss caused you?  Not easy . . . but try.
 
When you think about it, there are so many things in this world to be grateful for!  Just waking up every day, with a roof over our heads, food to eat, friends and family, our health. Many others do not have those things.
 
What are other things in your life now, without your loved one, that you can be grateful for?  What are the things about your loved one that you are grateful to have experienced or shared?  Write them down.  Are you thankful to have spent however long you had with them?  Is that better than never having known them?  Be grateful for that time, however short.
 
I am.  I am grateful for the excitement around that first pregnancy, even though it ended in miscarriage.  I am grateful to have held my stillborn son Robbie in my arms, seeing how much he looked like his older brothers as babies.  I am so grateful for the 21 years I got to spend with my oldest son Brent, before he died suddenly in a motorcycle accident.  I can’t imagine having lived my life without the richness of his personality, and I am grateful that he still contacts me and sends me signs.  I am grateful for my first marriage, which ended after 30 years, that produced my sons and allowed me to grow into who I am.  I am over-the-top grateful for my remaining son Brad, who is newly engaged, and his lovely fiancée.   I am also very grateful for my second husband, his children, and their partners. There are so many things I am grateful for, including family, friends, and experiences, that it outweighs my losses, most of the time anyway.
 
It does take time and effort, but gratitude is so worth it!  Gratitude helps you attract more good things into your life.  I believe that gratitude is the CORE ingredient to a good life.  Remember to be grateful . . .  for everything! 
 
. . . and I am grateful for you reading this!  Thank you!

by Barbara J Hopkinson

Do our spirits really continue?

How do we trust that?

Can we surrender to that belief?
 
When my 21-year-old son Brent died suddenly in a motorcycle accident, it sent me on a multi-year journey to figure out if he was okay and if his spirit really did continue.  At that point, I had gotten away from my Catholic religion and had been working in the international corporate world for years where we were too “busy” to think or talk about such things. 

I didn’t trust any of it, but after that tragedy, I had to find out.

As parents, our #1 job is to protect our children.  I not only needed   hope that my son continued in some form, I needed to confirm his condition, his existence—in any form.  And if I found out there was nothing “after” life here, then at least I’d know.  

I did traditional things like prayer, therapy, and seeking support from family and friends, but I also journaled, learned to meditate, did several kinds of energy healing, went to spiritual development classes, read tons of books, and watched for signs, writing them down.  Two months after Brent’s death, a friend of the family gave me a book written about after-death communications in a very credible way.  Then a couple months later, one of my close friends gave me another book that opened my mid to reincarnation (which I did not then believe in). 

Around that time, I reached out to a medium through a mutual friend, something I had never done before.  I didn’t know what to expect, but was amazed at how “normal” she was and what she knew about my son, mother, and father—things my friend did not know.  I started to hope, to trust . . . but I needed more evidence.  I went to more mediums (referred to me, the best way) and received more and better evidence.

I was also blessed with friends that my son could communicate through to give me messages.  These were people I trusted and did not pay.  After one group meditation, that friend described the flowers Brent gave me for Mother’s Day the year he died, and something I’d put in his casket before closing it, which I told no one about.   She didn’t even know what it was that she was describing, but I knew immediately!  I also saw another friend channel a song from Brent in my living room!  I had a huge emotional reaction and we didn’t know where it came from.  Then she figured it out and he realized she could understand him.  Subsequently, Brent sent her many more messages for me.

One was particularly evident.  I moved into a summer place for a few weeks, where this friend had never been.  I decided to take a walk before unpacking, and on the way back, I got a text from her: “Brent said ‘Be careful going up your front steps, Mom.’”  I smiled, texted “Thanks,” and kept going.  When I got back though, I was amazed!  There was a large crack the length of the front wooden step.  If I’d put my weight on the outside edge, I’d have fallen and hurt myself.  Thank you, Brent!

There are many other signs and examples, and I have started work to chronicle the most credible ones from myself and other families I support in my next book.  I will have these, other books, and many types of resources in my nonprofit’s new web site, coming soon.

These signs bring us hope about our loved ones, and they help us to surrender to the belief that all of our spirits continue and that we can honestly trust that they do!  I hope you can SURRENDER and TRUST.

Barbara J Hopkinson, President and Executive Director of A Butterfly’s Journey nonprofit, is a guest blogger and coauthor of F.A.I.T.H. – Finding Answers in the Heart, Volume II. To order your copy of this inspirational book, click here.

by Barbara J Hopkinson

How does the word “authentic” relate to grief?

The same as it does in any relationship, including the one you have with yourself.  

Are you being honest about how you feel after the loss of a loved one? Are you taking good enough care of yourself?  Are you listening to others’ opinions over your own intuition on what’s best for you?  Are you open to new things that might help you heal?  

Are you choosing to heal?  

I’ve lost three children, a 30-year marriage, and the sight in my right eye.  Each time, I had to choose to heal . . . and move on.  Once the process was so bad, I attempted suicide. Not successful, thankfully, but it made me realize that I had a choice to make!  I chose to stay alive and do the work to heal, one day at a time, for myself and for my remaining son.  It was so worth it. My life is happy again and I look forward to each new day and to my future.

Through my nonprofit organizations, I support hundreds of families to find a new normal after the loss of a child or other acute grief.  Sometimes, family members seem to want to stay in the pain, to focus on the loss.  They feel guilty if they start to feel better. Is that what their departed children or loved ones want? Is that what remaining family and friends want?  I don’t think so.  You help those who surround you when you help yourself.  And when we choose to heal, we honor our departed loved ones.

Healing is not easy.  It is not quick.  Recognize that each of our grief journeys is unique.  Give others the space and freedom they deserve to heal in their own way.  Try various approaches, new things.  See what works for you. 

Advice from others may be well-meaning, but don’t let it override what your gut is telling you that you need.  Be open to forgive, including yourself.  Most of us are doing the best we can at the time.

Try to focus on the love you shared and the positive memories. It lightens your energy, allows you to attract better things into your life, and makes it easier for your loved ones to connect with you.  Being well is what they want for us.  They are still with us in spirit.  Sometimes you can feel them if you get enough quiet time and focus on the love between you.  Try it!  Be well.

Barbara J Hopkinson, President and Executive Director of A Butterfly’s Journey, is a guest blogger and coauthor of F.A.I.T.H. – Finding Answers in the Heart, Volume II. To order your copy of this inspirational book, click here.

by Barbara J Hopkinson

How can I heal after loss? Will I ever find a new normal without that special person in my life? Can I be well again?

Healing and wellness is often a choice. That may sound callous, and we need time to “lick our wounds” and find methods that work uniquely for us in our grief. But over time, we can choose to remain in our pain or we can choose to actively work on healing. No one said it was easy, fast, or fun, but it is possible. And once you make up your mind to heal, you start feeling progressively better and on your way to YOUR new normal.

What are some things you can do to start to heal after a big loss?  
• Focus on the positive memories of that person, rather than the pain caused by the loss. Display happy photos, tell funny stories of them.
• Exercise — take walks in nature or set a goal to work towards, like a race. Exercise produces chemicals in your brain that help you feel better.
• Nutrition — eat well. Get more green vegetables (natural stress relief), eat less sugar, drink more water (half your weight daily in ounces) and less alcohol (which is a depressant). 
• Practice deep breathing or meditation to calm your nervous system and relieve stress. This can also help you sleep better.
• Journal — write out your feelings: the good, the bad and the ugly. No one ever has to see what you wrote. Burn it if you like, but it’s very cathartic, and you may be surprised at what comes out.
• Get support — find a support group, a therapist, or talk with friends and family. We all need to talk it out. You may want to advise them before you start that they don’t need to “fix” you, just listen. Avoid negativity.

Most importantly, expect to heal and be patient. Take good care of yourself—even be a little selfish while you heal. You will be of much more benefit to others if you are taking care of you.

Life is tough on us sometimes, but we are all in it together. Reach out, be open to trying new things—like energy healing modalities. Find what you are most comfortable with to help you heal in your unique grief. No one else knows how you truly feel or what’s best for you . . . except you.

I found my new normal after a long journey following the trauma of losing multiple children and a long-term marriage. It can be done. Trust that and START. I’m happy to support you finding your NEW NORMAL. Be well.

by Barbara J. Hopkinson

This is the Valentine month, so what better topic than one about loving yourself? Not in a selfish, narcissistic way, but in favor of self-care.  

Self-care is especially important in grief recovery and that is one area where it is often ignored. When we are grieving, we are in pain and not motivated to take care of ourselves.  Often we are worried about others in the family and their grief, so we focus on them. But what we may forget is that we will be of much more value to those around us if we take care of ourselves.  

Grief can be like an illness—our bodies and minds are in shock, not operating at full capacity; we feel sluggish.  If we were ill, we’d probably get bed rest, see a doctor, eat well, drink fluids, and maybe take prescription or holistic remedies.  Grief needs tender self-care as well.  Rest, good nutrition, and doing things to help reduce stress are useful. Activities such as exercise, deep breathing, and journaling help.  Be a little self-indulgent and get a facial or massage, take time to walk in nature and reflect.  Talk to those in your support system.  Talk to your loved one, write to him or her, see what your intuition tells you—do you feel a response?  You may also want to explore energy-based and spiritual practices such as yoga, meditation, and many of the energy healing modalities.  If you haven’t tried these before, keep an open mind. You might be surprised how much they can help.   

My grief sent me on a journey.  It was difficult but it made me much stronger and it helped me to get more in touch with my intuition—both are benefits.  I tried all kinds of things, many for the first time—therapy, meditation, yoga, energy healing, reflexology, polarity, shamanic massage, spiritual development retreats, visits to referred mediums and psychics, and more.  But I also forced myself not to totally bury myself in work. I knew that was just delaying the inevitable.  I made myself take quiet time and walk in nature, especially on the beach—a favorite for me.  

One of the most important things, when I was ready, was to reach out and help others. Helping is very healing and another form of self-care — while we are caring for others.  It works!

May you always remember to be GOOD to YOU!         

Barbara J. Hopkinson, Grief Mentor, Author, and Speaker with A Butterfly’s Journey, is a guest blogger and coauthor of F.A.I.T.H. – Finding Answers in the Heart, Volume II. To pre-order your copy of this inspirational book, click here.