by Terry Crump

"If you are always trying to be normal, you will never know how amazing you can be." - Maya Angelou

We develop palates to savor fine wines and distinguish nuanced flavors in foods, taking pride in our ability to appreciate things of quality.  As consumers of art, designer clothing/accessories, or gemstones we insist that there be some stamp or certificate of authenticity because we are drawn to accumulate unique possessions. Even when beachcombing for shells we assemble only a diverse and unusual array. For us, there’s no denying that originality and authenticity bear high value.

Somehow, when we start to apply the same expectation of authenticity to ourselves, the rules change. Anxiety and worry dominate. The shoulds, oughts, and musts emerge, as does the script of what we can do, of how we can be.  “I can’t do that . . . I don’t want to stand out . . . I’m staying under the radar . . . they’ll think I’m nuts!” Sound familiar? We allow our need for external validation to be paramount to avoid exposing who we really are for fear of rejection, assuming that acceptance dictates that we look and behave like everybody else. Normalcy. The harshest criticisms come from our own minds, rehearsing perfected punitive messages that we have honed over time. While being original, unique, and even flawed may sound moderately appealing in the abstract, we fail to embrace or actualize these concepts in our everyday lives.  One of the life truths that I continue to work through is that it is impossible to portray authenticity without self-acceptance.

Several years ago while on a Caribbean vacation celebrating a big birthday, I was looking for entertainment in my hotel but things were a bit slow that night.  Disappointed but determined to have some fun, my travel mate and I decided to make the evening festive.  Before I knew it, we had managed to invigorate the two-person reggae band and perform with them, started a conga line insisting that other guests in the lobby join in, and assembled a sizable crowd.  The libations were flowing; everyone was having a phenomenal time.  As the evening drew to an end, fellow guests were asking what our plans were on the following day.  We had forged a connection! At various points during the evening, I could hear the typical script in my head that I am an introvert, not one who readily makes friends with strangers, and certainly not one who dances in the middle of a hotel lobby.  I managed to ignore that inner voice.  Guess what, it was one of my more memorable birthday vacations. That effervescent woman who loves life, enjoys music and dancing, and laughs heartily is me, but she has too often been suppressed by ideas about how she appears to others. While I’d like to say that this experience has forever changed my approach to living, I can’t. But I can state that I repeatedly call upon this memory when the “what will people say” script begins to run. Thoughts of this time help with decision making about the version of myself that will “show up” for any given event, making it easier to just be me.  

Here’s why the real you should show up: Authenticity allows for connection to others, fosters self-fulfillment, and engenders joy.  With greater maturity, I’ve invariably realized my preference for wearing a certificate of authenticity proudly rather than looking in the mirror and failing to recognize the woman that’s staring back. It’s so much simpler . . . and lots more fun.

Terry Crump, PhD, a licensed clinical psychologist, board certified clinical hypnotherapist, and owner of Crump Wellness Services, is a guest blogger and coauthor of F.A.I.T.H. - Finding Answers in the Heart, Volume II. To order your copy of the book, click here.

By Ricia L. Maxie, M.A.

Many years ago as a young adult I received a profound message.  In an image that felt as real as sitting here writing these words, I was standing in the center of an impressive round stage, constructed of slatted wood, with hundreds of empty theater chairs all around. I found myself feeling as though a momentous event was about to occur. A ceaseless, bright light shone down on me directly from above, leaving the remaining stage in darkness, silence filling the vacant seats.  I didn’t feel alone but with no understanding as to why.

When my mind tried to concentrate on the imminent outcome a light shone on someone standing at the edge of the circular stage facing toward the center—toward me. As my focus cleared I could see a treasured friend from my teen years whom I had missed terribly.  A smile formed on my lips and my facial muscles relaxed as I looked into the loving eyes of my long-lost companion.  

Just as quickly as it shone on this friend, the light moved to another individual standing on the stage’s perimeter looking toward me. Love again filled my heart as my eyes perceived a young childhood friend peering back at me, smiling, imbuing me with grand memories.  

Over and over the light moved from one to another: friends from the past, the present as an adult, and the future with those whom I was yet to meet.  Each one brought me an immeasurable joy until my eyes landed on a woman with whom I had currently worked and disliked intensely. The feeling of peace and joyfulness was shattered and immediately I asked Guidance, “Why is she here?  I love all the others but I don’t love her!  I don’t even like her!”  Insulted and angry, I couldn’t understand why she dared stand with those whom I shared fond memories.

Something compelled me to look into her eyes which were staring intently at me with a softness I hadn’t expected.  She had been a cruel woman who tricked me into believing she was a friend only to address me later in a callous, heartless, and dispassionate manner. While my mind was trying to decipher what was happening, she placed her hands together, fingers pointed upward, palm touching palm, in a Namaste position (taught to me as a sign that the “God in me sees the God in you”).  She then bowed her head, tilted it upward with a sideways glance, and winked, as if to say, “I’m honored to have served you in this lifetime.  I agreed to be the dreadful person in your life so that you could learn. Thank you for this privilege.”  Flabbergasted, I stared at her, understanding the profundity of these words that formulated in my mind as if she telepathically shared them with one wink of an eye.

Shaking me out of the momentary pause, the light continued to circle the stage’s perimeter, each time shining on a loved one until again it landed on someone else whom I strongly disliked. I didn’t need a wink and Namaste to remind me of how this relationship fulfilled some preordained lesson.

There’s no telling how long this insightful incident took place (a moment, an hour, a day) but its impact has lasted a lifetime.

Relationships are all like this experience.  We learn through love and we learn to love. By no means am I an expert on relationships that hold various forms of love, like, and dislike.  I only know that I continue to learn and understand that forgiveness for the difficult relationships is the key.  I’m thankful that Guidance shared this wisdom with me and I hold this lesson close to my heart, hoping to remember it on a daily basis.

Ricia L. Maxie, An internationally renowned intuitive consultant/mystic, Reiki practitioner, and speaker, is a guest blogger and coauthor of F.A.I.T.H. – Finding Answers in the Heart, Volumes I and II. To order your copy of these inspirational books, click here.

by Judy Keating

One of my absolute favorite musicians is David Wilcox. He creates stories in song that move my heart, heal my hurts, and speak truths to me in ways I find hard to describe.  I consider him to be a poet laureate of our time. His song “A Break in the Cup” talks of the crack in the cup that holds love inside us all. And that no one can fill that cup no matter how hard they try.

I know there have been times when I have loved someone and felt their pain so deeply that I desperately wanted to fill them up with all this love I had to give. To make “it” better. With decades of learning I can now see that the “it” I was trying to fix was my own profound pain mirrored in that other person. And that to be in relationship I have to fill my own cup each and every day with love, acceptance, compassion, and humor at my own fallibility.

The tricky part comes when you do not see that those feelings are your unresolved issues knocking hard on your door. So you do what any self-respecting person would do—you blame, shame, or abandon the other person because they made you feel this way.  So they must be wrong. And it is our job to make sure they know it.

There is just one problem—this has nothing at all to do with them. Being in a relationship takes guts, because your own crud surfaces on a regular basis without warning. And yet we are communal beings who crave belonging in a tribe, and we thrive when we are blessed with those who love us, warts and all. 

Inquiry, when we are feeling triggered, is a balm if it is done gently and with compassion. Noticing you’re triggered is a gift. For in that noticing there is a space of non-reaction to the other in the relationship. In that split second of noticing, you begin to step towards being in relationship rather than banishing yourself to that lonely island called “being right.” When you feel a fight coming on, in any relationship, stop. Ask yourself, “In this moment, would I rather be right or in relationship?” The answer is less important than the inquiry itself. Either way, you are at choice in that moment and you are taking the wheel rather than that triggered part of you driving. 

In communication with others, there is a question that will assist you if you decide you want to build relationship. State what you feel, think, and believe about a situation, your significant other, or your feelings, and then say “Tell me where I am wrong.”  Then comes the really hard part—stay quiet.
People will be struck mute for about 30 seconds until they get used to you being willing  to truly let them clarify and refine their response to you. This means when they respond, you listen. See where that clarification gives you information that you previously did not see. Let what they have said sink in. Rinse and repeat. 

Please notice the above sentence does not say “Tell me THAT I am wrong.”  It allows for you to not have a full grasp of what the other person, thinks, feels, believes, or knows. It invites them in. It says Let me understand exactly what you are saying so we can learn and grow closer in this moment. Try it. See what happens.

Judy Keating is a coauthor of F.A.I.T.H. – Finding Answers in the Heart, Volume II. She is a facilitator, guide, energy coach, and public speaker. She calls her suite of services “Energy Inspiration” and is excited to be facilitating the Alchemical Creation Priestess Process beginning in September. For more information visit http://lisa-michaels.com/cmd.php?Clk=5444769. Discover more about Judy on her website at www.innerlifecoaching.net

by Suzanne Baker Hogan

Relationships can be extremely challenging. Why? Because they are prime opportunities for growth. Relationships trigger our ancient wounds so that we can finally heal them. They ask us to stop coping with our pain in limiting ways. They push us to grow so much that we finally love ourselves. 

Of course, when we are hurt in a relationship, it can seem impossible to understand why. We can feel so unjustly treated by someone we let deeply into our lives. Emotions fly, issues surface, and we are thrust into the deep end overnight. The task is to feel what we feel instead of burying it. It is to look within ourselves instead of focusing on being wronged, because we are actually being pushed to grow rapidly. And all the souls involved are guiding the process.

Can you recognize a relationship in your own life that hurt you badly? Looking back, can you see the lesson you learned and how invaluable it was? Sure, it can feel unjust to search within when you’ve been so blatantly hurt, but the purpose is always clear down the road. You were being asked to be true to yourself.

Think about a relationship that ended when you didn’t want it to. This may have felt brutal at the time, but this ending freed you for greater things. You may have fought the process, but it allowed you to have new relationships. Years later, can you see that you were being opened up for more? You would have remained stagnant otherwise.

The other day, I was wounded by someone dear to me. This friend and former employee trespassed on my generosity in a very personal way at a very vulnerable time. She showed a blatant disregard for my needs, repeatedly. It happened in my own home and took me completely by surprise. 

But as this wounding was happening, I maintained awareness of the lesson at hand. I could see that my friend’s soul was in on the lesson too, and I was able to put blame aside. I was being challenged to stop accommodating people at my own expense. I was being pushed to say “Enough!” and to set boundaries in the sacred space where I live. All so that I could become stronger and empowered. From then on, I would be firm and clear about taking care of myself.

Sometimes it takes a shocking situation to finally grow. This pushes us more than our humanness might allow. Relationships aid the process immensely. Even those that might seem negative. Because the people who seem unloving in your life actually emphatically love you—at the soul level. In fact, that is how much we love each other. We are willing to play the roles required to help one another grow. We are teaching each other to say “Enough!” so that we finally love and honor ourselves.  

Suzanne Baker Hogan, spiritual writer and author of SharetheSpiritual.com and Twin Flame Help, is a guest blogger and coauthor of F.A.I.T.H. – Finding Answers in the Heart, Volume II. To order your copy of this inspirational book, click here. 

by Rebecca Kirson

There are many truths about the wondrous world we live in.  Among them is the fact that we are not alone on this magical carpet ride.  Even when we feel like an island, we are most certainly not. Relationships color every aspect and period of our lives from our childhood to adolescence, middle age, and beyond.  We are encouraged to “build a deep bench” to partner up and to forge long lasting bonds with the special people we have chosen to let into the intimate details of our lives. 

In my experience, I’ve found relationships to be the most difficult area to navigate and the most rewarding.  Learning how to energetically dance with another is just that . . . a dance. We open ourselves up to being vulnerable, to learning how to read others and respond to them. We navigate the sea of emotions that comes from taking another person’s perspective of who we are, how we are doing, and their vantage point of how it should be into consideration. (A truth of human behavior: everyone seems to have an opinion on what everyone else is doing!) Regardless of our view, relationships bring us the best opportunity for learning and growth. Below are some ways to reap the rewards of healthy relationships without wanting to run for the hills because you haven’t quite learned how to do the dance.

Boundaries

There is no better place to learn about boundaries than by being with other people. Where each person falls on the spectrum (having boundaries, not having them, and never having heard of them) is as varied as a Crayola box of 64.

Boundaries exist for a reason but there is nothing like being around someone who doesn’t understand that concept to underscore them even more. That’s the beauty of being with others, learning more about “where I begin” and “I end” compared to “where you begin” and “you end.” In our current third dimensional experience, which is as far away from oneness as we can possibly be, individuation becomes even more highlighted. Our ability to learn, as we draw the invisible lines of boundary, promotes the very discovery of our truth and authenticity in ways that would have been difficult on our own.

Mirror, Mirror on the Wall

One of the greatest effects of having relationships is that we often get a mirror reflection of who we are being. Most of us have blind spots--insidious little corners we can’t see around in the journey to know ourselves. By being in relationship with others, we are often able to see traits that they have that we possess as well. On first glance we may not see aspects of them in ourselves, but with a little digging and open mindedness the similarities become apparent. Our universe is set up with organizing principles. One of these is that like attracts like.  Often the people we choose to be around are mirror reflections of who we are being. This is a great way to connect in more deeply with the blind spots we have about ourselves given that we can step out of denial and truly be present to our relationships with open and honest eyes.

Contrast

If similarity is a benefit of relationships, then the reverse must also be true. We can also use contrast to learn more about the truth of who we are, who we are not, who we want to be, and all spaces in between.  As a person who likes to keep things clean and neat, there is nothing like me spending time with someone on the opposite side of the spectrum (clutter and disarray) to reinforce that yes, indeed, what feels best to me is organization, beauty, and order. Contrast allows me to immerse myself deeper into my truth while validating someone else’s truth without judgment (even though you and I both know order is really the way to go . . . just kidding). Variety is what keeps life interesting and contrast is what allows each of us to know what works best for us individually. 

Conclusion

Relationships are a necessity of life.  They provide so much potential for the advancement of learning about ourselves and others in ways that few other things can.  Relationships can be exhilarating, uplifting, or frustrating and difficult but they are always “profound teachers of our human experience.”

In our never ending quest for happiness, it is apparent that relationships will be one of the necessities for achieving it.  As Christopher McCandless wrote in his final days from the riveting movie Into the Wild, “Happiness is only real when shared.”